Driving Lessons
by Warrior Hal
Summary: Esther learns how to drive with some help from Abel and Noel. Well...kind of...
1. Chapter 1: Driving in Rome

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Trinity Blood

**AN:** Written for my friend Warrior Dae.

**Driving Lessons**

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"Now, Esther, part of being an AX member means knowing how to drive. Noel and I will be giving you instruction in this area. I understand that you've studied and passed the written test. Am I right?" Abel asked

"Yes Father Nightroad." Esther nodded

"Good, now you'll take the part of the test that actually involves driving." Noel said as she leaned against a black car with a cross on theside.

Noel handed a key to Esther and they all got in, Esther in the driver's seat(duh), Abel in the passenger's seat, and Noel in the back behind Esther.

"Okay, first thing, get in the car. Next, fasten your seatbelt." Esther muttered to herself as she clumsily buckled her seatbelt.

"Then, put the key into the ignition." she said, and _tried_ to put the key into the ignition. It took her a few tries, but finally after a few minutes of metal clicking against metal and mental swearing, she succeeded in inserting the key into the keyhole.

"Then, turn on the car." she breathed, and started the car by turning the key. The car rumbled to life, and Noel smiled encouragingly.

"Good. Now you do know where we'll be driving, right? Abel gave you the map of Rome and the course we'd be taking, right?" she asked

"…Um..no."

"_Abel_." Noel glared at the priest, "You were supposed to give her the map."

I'm sorry…I just…got distracted." he shrunk back from the angry nun's glare

"Distracted?! What could've distracted you from such a simple task?!"

"…I…I…saw…a squirrel and chased it around the Vatican. It was nearly midnight when I stopped chasing it." Abel said, looking down at his lap

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, ABEL!!! How in the Lord's name did you manage to even chase something like that for so long!"

"…………………I lost track of time."

"Only _you _would be able to do such a thing, Abel."

"I'm sorry."

"…Well, did you catch the stupid thing?" Noel asked

"…No." Abel looked down at his lap again, looking sad, "It died before I caught it. It just sort of…fell over when I got close. It had started to slow down-"

"Well no wonder! Even squirrels can't run around for hours like that! The poor thing was probably being tortured by running around sp much, no wonder it died." Noel sighed, shaking her head.

"…Um…Father Nightroad…Sister Noel…what about my driving test?" Esther asked, who had been sitting here the whole time, letting the car run.

"Oh, right! Well, you do seem to know your way through Rome, so you would know where the closest park is. We'll just be looping around that, then coming right back to the Vatican." Noel said

"Oh, okay." Esther said, and lightly pressed her foot on the gas. The car inched forward, going ever…so……………………sssllllloooowwwwwlllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

"Um…Esther, you might want to speed up a bit, because we-OH DEAR LORD!!!!!!!!!!" at the words 'speed up' Esther pressed her foot down as hard as she could on the gas, and the car shot forward.

Both Abel and Noel barely blinked, but in less than a second a crosswalk came into view.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SLOW DOWN ESTHER, SLOW DOWN!!!" Abel screamed as(and quite girlishly)the car sped towards the crosswalk.

Now, many a reader might have thought that at this point, Esther would've have put the brakes on, just stopping an inch from one of the school children and elderly citizens crossing the street. But on the contrary, she plowed right through all of them.

Abel watched in horror as school children went flying through the air and senior citizens rolled of the windshield.

"AAAHHHHH!!! HELP ME, I CAN'T HOLD ON!!!" screamed a woman as she clung desperately to the side mirrors on the car.

Abel rolled down the window and yelled over the screaming people and wind "GRAB MY HAND!"

The woman reached out with one hand, but just as she did, Esther sharply rounded a corner and the woman lost her grip. She went flying into a small, indoor café. Abel could see a hole in the wall just before the small café vanished out of sight.

Abel was speechless as he looked at his hand, then he turned around to look at Esther who-

"WHY HAVE YOU LET GO OF THE WHEEL????!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed as the car fishtailed out of control. Esther still had her foot pressed down firmly on the gas, but she was busy adjusting her driver's mirror and not paying any attention to the road.

"ESTHER!!! THE ROAD!!! THE ROAD!!!" he screeched, and Esther suddenly did something completely unexpected and somewhat spontaneous.

She slammed the brakes on.

Abel was glad that he had worn his seatbelt, but that sense of gladness was torn from him when the seatbelt ripped and he went flying head first through the windshield and into a tree that was just inches from the car.

And his head got stuck in a hole in the tree.

Abel looked around in the hole and saw a family of squirrels sitting at a small squirrel-sized table with little chairs and a picture of a squirrel surrounded by flowers. The squirrel in the picture looked oddly familiar.

"…Oh…hello Mrs. Squirrel." Abel smiled "Er…lovely weather we're having."

"_You're the silver haired monster who killed my husband!"_ Mrs. Squirrel squeaked

"Oh, so you're his wife and these must be…your children." he frowned as realization dawned upon him

"_Monster! Acorn-smasher! Silver-haired giant!"_ it squeaked and started throwing nuts at him.

"Ow! Ouch! Please-AH! S-ow! Stop!" Abel struggled to get his head unstuck, and after a few minutes he fell back on the hood of the car.

Mrs. Squirrel squeaked angrily at him for a moment before disappearing back into the hole.

Esther was still sitting in the car, and when he got back in, she got a nosebleed.

His glasses were gone, and so was his hair ribbon. That, and his black priest cloak thingy was partially ripped, exposing some of his fairly chiseled chest.

'_Oh. My. GAWD. I was right, he has a six pack.'_ Esther thought as she vainly tried to stop her nosebleed. Stupid hormones.

"Noel?" he looked back, only to see a Noel-shaped hole in the side door.

"Esther…where is Noel?" Abel asked, fearing the answer. By some miracle, her nosebleed stopped when he asked that question…concerning Noel.

"I think she flew out the car when I took that last turn." Esther shrugged "She was screaming something about asking God for forgiveness after having sex with Gunslinger."

Abel opened and closed his mouth several times, but no sound came out. Finally, he gave up, and just said "Take us back to the Vatican."

It took him a few minutes to realize what he just said, but by that time, Esther had already started the car.

"Wait! Esther, let me drive-" he never got a chance to finish, because at that moment, the car shot back, then forward, and then it stopped abruptly.

Abel screeched as he went flying through the hole in the windshield. Again.

"Wait, Esther!" he screamed as she ran him over, then backed up on him.

"Oh, sorry Father Nightroad!" she yelled, and tried to get the car off of him by driving forward, and backing up a bit. After a few minutes of backing up and going forward, she gave up and drove over him one last time before driving off.

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**5 hours later…**

Esther winced as she closed the car door and the car fell apart. She looked up at what used to be Rome, but was now just a large pile of rubble, ash, and dust thanks to her driving.

"Oh no, what've I-Oh my God!" she looked over at the ruins of what was once a car, and saw that among the metal pieces, there was a small, perfectly shaped white card. She picked it up in disbelief.

"This must've fallen out of Father Nightroad's pocket…Oh…God…" her face split into a huge grin, "I got my driver's license!"

Suddenly, the entire Vatican, the last building standing in Rome, collapsed behind her.

And that is how Rome and the Vatican were destroyed. Not by a bunch of evil vampires and humans, or a natural disaster. It was destroyed by Esther's horrible, crappy driving.

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	2. Chapter 2: Driving in the Empire

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Trinity Blood.

**AN:** Second part to 'Driving Lessons'. Once again, written for my friend Warrior Dae, whom I hope will laugh like a madman after reading this ;D also a bit of random fluff near the end, and all pairings except AbelEsther are just crack, like the story. Please review and I might write a sequel to this one…with a slight twist. So review…or Esther will drive by where you live! lol

**Driving Lessons (continued)**

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Esther Blanchet was many things. She was a nun. She was a redhead. She was kind. She was pretty and pretty damn good with a gun when push came to shove. But one of the things that she was _not_ was a good driver. In fact, she had destroyed all of Rome and the Vatican after a simple driving test.

And now, she had to retake that test. With Abel and Seth since Noelle was still in the hospital, wrapped up in a full body cast. And this time, she would be taking the test in the Empire…mainly because they were still rebuilding Rome and the Vatican.

Abel Nightroad was over 900 years old, and feared very little. He was a mighty Crusnik, and what could the meat-eating predator at the top of the food chain possibly have to fear? Crusniks were nigh immortal, and could usually only be killed by another Crusnik, and even in their death-like state, their nanomachines were merely dormant, waiting to be reawakened…

But Abel Nightroad, one of the three remaining Crusnik siblings, had one phobia, one fear that topped off all others.

And that was Esther's driving.

It was a somewhat chilly morning, on the morning that she took her driving test. Abel and Seth were sitting in a black, somewhat old-fashioned car, but it was completely remodeled inside, so it would be safe to drive.

The two Crusnik siblings were currently waiting for Esther, who was a bit late. And a bit meant…

"I can't believe she's an hour late! Honestly." Abel huffed and crossed his arms. He just wanted to get this over with, still having both mental and physical scars from his last experience with Esther's driving. He still had tire tracks on his back that had somehow turned into actual scars.

"Don't be such a grouch Abel. She's probably just nervous." Seth soothed, and then brightened up "Hey, here she comes!"

Abel peered over his little sister and out the window to see Esther walking over to the car. Abel clasped a rosary at his wrist and started whispering a quick prayer to God. He prayed that the Empire wouldn't be destroyed, that he and Seth would live through this ordeal, and that Esther didn't pass. He knew it was a little mean and maybe selfish to pray for her failure, though if she got her driver's license for real…it would mean the complete and utter apocalypse. He could just see it now…Esther getting her first car, a monster truck, complete with a missile launcher and a flamethrower mounted on top.

Abel gave an involuntary shudder just as Esther slid into the driver's seat, and slammed the door shut. She then locked all their doors, sealing their fate.

"Hey Esther." Seth said, smiling warmly at the redheaded nun, "Ready to take your driving test and get your license?"

"Yep." she nodded, then put the car key into the ignition and started the car.

Abel quivered. The car had been started.

Esther backed up, looking in her rear view mirror. Abel eased up a bit. So far she hadn't destroyed anything.

She pulled forward and pressed on the gas lightly, just going one mile per hour under the speed limit.

"Hey Esther, mind speeding up?" Seth asked lightly, not knowing the damage that would inflict. Abel wasn't sure which was louder; his screaming or the screeching of the tires.

Esther drove straight into an orphanage, which burst into flames.

"Oops." she said, and back up into a hospital. The hospital collapsed.

"Oh no, sorry about that!" Esther yelled and drove forward, driving through a mall Methuselah and humans, running over women, children, elderly citizens, the disabled, and every other living being within the structure. As she drove out, the mall exploded.

"Sorry!" she yelled, and pulled onto the highway. Cars honked and went flying off the freeway, passengers screaming their last screams.

"Oh no! I should turn off at the next exit." Esther said, and took her eyes off the road, searching for the next exit.

"I know! I'll get a map!" she said as and let go of the wheel. The result was the car fishtailing out of control as she unbuckled her seatbelt and dug in the dash compartment, searching for a map. The car took a violent swerve to the right, and broke through the metal girdles on the side of the freeway.

Abel screamed as the car practically flew onto the main road, crushing other cars beneath it, and then running straight through an intersection.

Abel watched in horror as a huge oil truck swerved to the left to avoid hitting them, and crashed into a retirement home, which then exploded in a burst of flames.

Esther who had found the map, gripped the wheel again, and blinked in surprise.

"Hey we're back on the main road. How'd we do that?" she asked, and then tossed the map to the side, hitting Abel in the face.

They were out of the city now, speeding down a country lane with nothing in sight for Esther to hit. Not yet, at least.

Esther looked over at the radio, wishing to turn it on, but her eyes found a big, shiny, red-

"Hey, what's this button do Seth? Seth?" she looked in the back for a moment, to see Seth still there and amazingly in one piece. She was white as a sheet, and clutching the seat for dear life.

"Esther, take us back to the city." she choked out

"But-"

"No buts! Take us back now!" Abel yelled uncharacteristically, and Esther cringed. Abel immediately felt bad for what he said, and touched her shoulder gently saying, "Please Esther."

Though it was too late for apologies because Esther just shrugged off his hand and shouted "Fine then!" before taking a sharp, stomach churning turn and slamming on the gas.

In her frustration, she nearly forgot about the big red shiny button, but a few moments later, she punched, hoping that something amazing would happen, like she'd instantly get her driver's license, or one(or both) of the Crusnik siblings would be thrown out of the car.

Neither happened though, but something else did. The trunk of the car opened up, revealing a rocket booster. Two wings extended on either side of the car just as they came up on the city.

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"Hey mommy! That car's about to hit us!" a little kid screamed.

"For that last damn time, I'm not your mother!" a blond woman in the driver's seat snapped. She had long blond hair and a red streaked bang hanging between her eyes.

The child, who was also blond, whimpered to another blond in the passenger's seat next to the woman.

"Daddy, do something." the child yelled, and glanced frightfully behind them. The blond male in the passenger seat was a boy, younger than the blond woman, but older than the child.

"But I'm not-" he stopped when the child looked like she was about to cry.

The blond boy stuck his head out the window, and yelled "Halt! Please do not crash into us!"

He gasped and closed his eyes as the car did not stop, and he was sure it was going to crash into them, going at top speed-

But it didn't, by some miracle.

The boy opened his eyes, frowning when he didn't see the car. He looked up and saw the car flying.

"Hey, they didn't hit us! We're alright, Asthe!" Ion yelled, glad to be alive. He looked up at the flying car again, only to see it launch missiles at the nearest building, which began topple right in front of them…

"Asthe?" Ion whimpered, but he was pulled out of the car and dragged away quickly by Asthe, just as the car was crushed by the falling structure.

"Crazy human driver!" she cursed at the sky before turning to a completely destroyed and ravaged countryside.

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"GOD HELP US!!!" Abel screamed as Esther 'accidentally' fired off several more missiles. A few hit a large crowd of people gathered for a market, and the others sailed away, hitting random but well populated areas of the city.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Esther said mockingly, and then grinned as she saw another button to press. This one was green. Esther punched that one, and the back seat in which Seth was sitting began to shake.

Suddenly it was launched out of the car, and fell somewhere over a daycare, where it exploded.

Esther then spotted a red button. This one was bigger, redder, shinier, and even more tempting to press than the first one. Abel, sensing the danger, gave her a stern look.

"Now Esther, DO NOT press that button." he warned, giving her a disapproving look

"And WHY NOT???" she asked, pouting.

"Because I'll probably get seriously injured or killed like the last time!" he shouted, waving his arms. Esther looked at him, and gave him a very innocent, sweet look that made him feel guilty about thinking that she was doing this on purpose.

"But Father Nightroad, I would _never_ want to hurt you intentionally." she said, looking at him from under her eyelashes and looking absolutely adorable.

She let go of the wheel, and the radio beeped _"Autopilot on."_

Abel looked at the car in shock.

"This stupid thing has an autopilot?!" he asked, but then his attention quickly turned to Esther as she leaned against his chest. The car steadied out, and for the first time ever since he had gotten into a car with Esther, things seemed…peaceful.

The sun shield had been destroyed, giving them an unobstructed view of the late sunrise. It was beautiful.

"Father Nightroad?" an angel's voice seemed to call him back from his thoughts. He looked down at his chest to see Esther snuggled into his lap.

He, for some unknown reason, felt a strong desire to stroke her hair and tell her he loved her. It was as if some invisible force was compelling him, like an author typing the rest of his life. The author of his life for the past hour or two had to be pretty messed up in the head to type something like this, he thought, but once again he felt the force urging him to pay attention to Esther.

Abel looked back down at Esther, and suddenly leaned towards her. She leaned towards him too, and just when their faces where an inch apart, and they could both breathe in each other's sweet scents, Esther whispered

"Father Nightroad?"

"Yes, Esther?" he whispered back, feeling the strong desire to kiss her rosy red lips, and taste her mouth.

"I…" she trailed off, looking away from him, and then looking back again, "I'm sorry about everything that's happened."

He couldn't resist those eyes, and that look.

"All is forgiven. God sees that you made a simple mistake and that you're truly sorry." he breathed

"No, but I'm really sorry." she said, and then looked him straight in the eyes. She gently slipped her fingers under his chin and leaned forward until her lips met his.

Abel was surprised for a moment, but only for a moment, because he responded right after that moment of surprise and kissed her back, titling his head to the side and closing his eyes while putting an arm around her waist.

But as soon as he wrapped his arm around her, she pulled back coyly into her seat, and whispered something.

"You once mentioned something to me before…about your love of milk tea and 13 sugar cubes in it." she titled her head to the side as she spoke, looking at him curiously.

"And I suppose it's the same way with me…only like pressing buttons." her voice had a teasing tone to it, and Abel took that in a slightly perverted way. He was too stupid to realize what was going to happen next.

"So, I hope you understand, and once again," she smiled devilishly "I'm sorry."

Abel frowned, and then his eyes widened as heard a _beep_ sound, and saw Esther's hand pressing hard against the button.

In the next second, his seat was launched from the car like Seth's had been, only his soared much higher, and much faster. He screamed femininely as the seat rocketed up.

Esther watched his seat go up and up and up…then start to fall. It was just level with the car when it exploded in midair.

Esther looked at the place where the seat had exploded for a few minutes, before shrugging.

"I told him I was sorry." she said, before the car landed. Well, actually it fell apart, and her seat went skidding in the dirt and stopped a few feet away from the completely destroyed palace.

She got out of her seat, unharmed, and just as she got up and stretched her stiff legs, the seat fell apart too.

She sighed.

"Guess I won't be getting my driver's license. _Again._" she said, but then brightened up when she looked at the ground "Hey, it's a dinar!"

She eagerly picked up the coin and slipped it into her pocket, more interested with the fact that she found a coin than the fact that she had failed her driver's test.

And so, that is how the Empire, the world's largest center of Methuselah existence, and the world's most technologically advanced country, fell. Not because of a huge, massive, global war. Not because the Empress died. Not because of terrorists. No, it was because Esther was allowed to get behind the wheel of a car and drive.

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End file.
